What It Looks Like
"Fine. You win."
But you're not really giving in. Belligerent silence. Withdrawn but still resisting.
You give up the fight but you give them nothing. You'll go through the motions but they won't get you. There's a resigned quality to this, like "I can't win here, so I'm going to shut up and sink down, but you're not getting what you want from me."
This is fight and fawn combined. You're moving forward (fight) but also collapsing down (fawn). You're giving in without actually giving in. You're submitting while still resisting. You might let them have the last word outwardly, but your heart won't listen.
Left unchecked this pattern can create an unbridgeable gulf of resentment, silence and disconnection. It's heavy for everyone involved and eventually there will be no other option left than to truly give up.
What The Stonewall Needs
In the Moment
Notice the stubbornness.
Feel how your feet get heavy. You're not going to move. You're planting yourself.
Notice the silent "fuck you."
The belligerent giving up. The resignation that's actually resistance.
The way that you make them wrong, without even saying anything.
The way that you make them wrong, without even saying anything.
Fight for space
This pattern tends to feel easily overwhelmed, and shut down is a protection mechanism.
Space for things to slow down, for you to process what is happening before it becomes too much.
Let your partner know: "I'm overwhelmed going into shutdown right now can we slow down or even just have a few moments of space to process?"
You need all the space you can to not cave in too deep.
Ask yourself…
"Do I really want to stay here? Or do I want to find another way?"
Part of this pattern is getting stuck in the shut down. The more overwhelmed you get, the harder it can be to come out of it. But coming out of it is possible and it is YOUR choice.
Choose to come out rather than wallow for hours or days.
To Come Back to Center
Take deep breaths and expand
Everything wants to cave in, shut down and shut out.
Breathe to reverse it. Breathe your chest open, breathe your energy up.
Breathe space into your body.
Breathe to reverse it. Breathe your chest open, breathe your energy up.
Breathe space into your body.
Open your heart
One of the most powerful capacities you can learn is the ability to open your own heart.
It's a choice. Choose to fight to open up again and actively let go.
Feel your spine.
Let it be soft and straight, not collapsed. Bring your shoulders up.
Lifting your spine opens your chest, and this will help you open your heart again.
Lifting your spine opens your chest, and this will help you open your heart again.
Remind yourself…
"Nobody can reach me here. Not even myself. Do I really want to stay here?"
It might feel safe here. But it's also alone.
If you stay here, you'll stay alone… and be honest, it actually feels like shit.
If you stay here, you'll stay alone… and be honest, it actually feels like shit.
Allow some movement.
Even small movement (rolling shoulders, stretching) can start to break the immovability.
Remember… you need to actively break wall yourself. You can't afford to wait for them to do it.
Seek out eye contact.
This will probably be the last thing you would ever want to do, but it will be so helpful. Soften your eyes and let them see you.
The Deeper Work
The Stonewall is often a place you go when you've been nagged or pressured repeatedly early in your life.
It's a "you can't make me" pattern. It's the last stand of autonomy when you feel like everything else has been taken.
Underneath is deep aloneness. Venomous rage and resentment. Immovability.
But also profound sadness.
"I'm so alone and I've given up ever being anything but alone."
This is the core wound under the Stonewall… even the ones who seem to be so comfortable here.
There's also often complete disregard for empathy the other from this place.
You need to protect yourself. And the only way you know how is to shut them out completely while appearing to comply. Your heart is closed. You can't feel them, and they can't feel you.
Nothing can be resolved from this place.
The path forward is learning that you can have boundaries without shutting down completely. There are other, more conscious ways, you can protect yourself without becoming a stone wall.
Catching It Early: Your Practice This Week
The moment you see your pattern clearly (when you catch it happening in real-time) everything changes.
Awareness is the first step to developing enough consciousness to truly break a pattern.
The more you can track the pattern, the faster you'll get free of it.
Your Practice:
Over the next week, your job is simple: catch the shutdown.
Watch for:
- The sinking feeling
- Your body getting heavy, rooted, immovable
- The jaw clenching (locking down)
- The collapsing inward feeling
- The thought "fine, whatever" with resentment underneath
- The moment you decide "fuck it" but stay present physically
When you notice it:
- Name it: "I'm stonewalling right now."
- Breathe: Take a few deep breaths and see if you can create some space inside yourself.
- Ask: "What truth do I need to speak here to keep me open?"
You don't have to be perfect. You just have to catch it. Even if you catch it after you've already shut down, that's still progress. That's awareness building.
The goal isn't to stop your pattern overnight. The goal is to see it more clearly each time.
Journal Prompts for The Stonewall
Use these to deepen your awareness:
- "When I stonewall, what I'm really protecting is... (what are you guarding?)"
- "If I didn't shut down, I'm afraid... (what's the fear underneath the shutdown?)"
- "The resentment I'm holding is about... (what are you not saying out loud?)"
- "As a child, shutting down kept me safe by... (how did this pattern protect you?)"
- "The boundary I actually need (instead of stonewalling) is... (what would a real boundary look like?)"
- "The earliest sign that I'm about to stonewall is... (what's your first body cue?)"
Remember
This pattern isn't who you are. It's a protective response your nervous system learned to keep you safe.
You developed it for a reason. It served you once. It probably kept you safe. It probably allowed you to survive.
And yet this pattern actually blocks you from the things you want (intimacy, safety, connection). Being held, being met, being seen.
Now you get to choose: Does this pattern still serve you? Or is it time to build something new?
The power is in the space. And the space starts with recognition.
You've got this.
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