What It Looks Like
You go up into your head. You rationalize. You analyze. You mentally defend.
You have all the logical arguments and examples. You try to control the situation mentally while keeping emotional distance.
You can't feel much because your mind feels like the safest place to be. You're observing the situation from above rather than being in it. You might even feel superior… untouchable, like they can't reach you from up here.
This is flight combined with mental dissociation. You're moving backwards (flight) and going up into your head (dissociation).
You're creating distance through intellectual control and left unchecked it will destroy your relationship. Your partner will complain that they can't feel you, the resentment will fester and the distance will grow. You can't experience true intimacy, or genuine repair, entirely from your head.
What The Mentalist Needs
In the Moment
Notice when you've left your body.
Feel how you've gone up and out, into your head. Try and get a sense of how much in your head you are. See if you can notice the moment you lose contact to your body (and if you aren't aware of your body in day-to-day life then this is where you need to start)
Notice any mental superiority.
From up here, you might feel smarter, more rational, above the messy emotions. See if you can notice it.
Notice the way your mind is in overdrive, how strong your head feels.
Notice them.
From here can you even see them as a person? Or are they just something to argue against and convince?
Can you try to slow down your thoughts enough to wonder how they are doing?
Ask yourself…
"Am I trying to think my way out of feeling?"
And if you are… what would it be like to ask yourself what you are avoiding feeling?
Try to drop down.
Feel your chest. Feel your belly. Feel anything below your neck.
Squeeze your butt, your legs. Press your feet into the ground.
Try to remind yourself that you have a body - you aren't just a mind.
To Come Back to Center
Take deep breaths
Consciously bring your awareness down into your body.
Out of your head and into your chest, your belly, your legs.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Literally. Press them into the floor. This helps bring you back down.
Do this over and over.
Try to feel them
What would it be like if you let go of trying to win the argument, and turned your mind towards wondering what they are feeling?
What would it be like to slow down enough to feel them?
Try and find what you're actually feeling.
Somewhere in there under all the thinking you are having feelings.
The feelings are your doorway to real truth, real resolution and real healing.
What emotion is actually there? Fear? Hurt? Anger? Sadness?
Try and find it.
The Deeper Work
The Mentalist pattern is about using your mind to escape your body and your emotions.
This often forms when feelings felt too dangerous, too overwhelming, or too painful. Maybe expressing emotions led to punishment or rejection. Maybe being emotional meant losing control. So you learned that thinking was safer than feeling.
Up in your head, you feel in control. You can analyze, rationalize, explain. You feel superior, untouchable. But you also quite likely feel alone. And cold. And disconnected.
Underneath the intellectualising is often terror. Terror of being vulnerable, of being out of control, of feeling too much. The mind becomes a fortress protecting you from your own heart.
But here's what happens over time: you lose access to your emotional truth. You can explain everything but you can't feel anything. You might be brilliant but, you'll also be disconnected.
The path forward is learning that feelings won't destroy you. Learning that you can feel and still be safe. That emotion doesn't equal danger.
Practicing feeling without analyzing is the key work here. Notice when you start explaining or rationalizing—and instead, just feel. Name the emotion. Stay with the sensation in your body. Don't try to understand it. Just be with it.
Catching It Early:
The moment you see your pattern clearly, when you catch it happening in real-time… everything changes.
Developing awareness of a pattern is always the first step in actually changing it.
Your Practice:
Over the next week, your job is simple: catch yourself going into your head.
Watch for:
- That shift from feeling to thinking
- Starting to analyze or explain
- The feeling of floating above the situation
- Narrating what's happening rather than experiencing it
- Feeling superior or untouchable
- Losing connection with your body
When you notice it:
- Name it, even just to yourself: "I'm going into Mentalist mode right now."
- Drop down: Take a breath and bring awareness into your body.
- Ask: "What am I actually feeling underneath all this thinking?"
You don't have to be perfect. You just have to catch it. Even if you catch it after you've been in your head for 20 minutes, that's still progress. That's awareness building.
The goal isn't to stop your pattern overnight. The goal is to see it more clearly each time.
Journal Prompts for The Mentalist
Use these to deepen your awareness:
- "When I go into Mentalist mode, the feeling I'm trying to avoid is... (what emotion is underneath?)"
- "If I let myself feel instead of think, I'm afraid... (what's the fear of feeling?)"
- "The last time I went into my head, what I actually needed to say from my heart was... (what's the emotional truth?)"
- "As a child, thinking instead of feeling kept me safe by... (how did this pattern protect you?)"
- "One way I could express emotion without losing control is... (what would safe feeling look like?)"
- "The earliest sign that I'm going into Mentalist mode is... (what's your first body cue?)"
Remember
This pattern isn't who you are. It's a protective response your nervous system learned to keep you safe.
You developed it for a reason. It served you once. It probably kept you safe. It probably allowed you to survive.
And yet this pattern actually blocks you from the things you want (intimacy, safety, connection). Being held, being met, being seen.
Now you get to choose: Does this pattern still serve you? Or is it time to build something new?
The power is in the pause. And the pause starts with recognition.
You've got this.
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