What It Looks Like
You can't move. You can't speak. You're frozen but you're also backing away internally. You want to disappear but you can't.
You can't fight and you can't fully flee, so you freeze. You're trapped between "please don't hurt me" and "I need to get away."
You're closing down, you can't fight against them, you're giving up to them, but you're also backing off and shutting down, disappearing into yourself.
This is flight and fawn combined. You're retreating (flight) and collapsing (fawn) at the same time. Your body locks up, your mind shuts down, no words can come. Paralysis.
This pattern seems benign on the surface, as those who have freeze as their greatest reactive archetype will also tend to occupy a victim pole in a relationship. But the truth is that resentment will inevitably build, both in the one freezing and in the partner as meaningful resolution is impossible when you are trapped behind ice.
What The Freezer Needs
In the Moment
If you can move at all, move something small.
Wiggle your fingers. Wiggle your toes. Any movement breaks the freeze. Even the tiniest movement matters.
If you can't move, focus on your breath.
Just breathe. That's movement too. Your breath is always available to you.
Keep breathing and don't stop.
Remind yourself…
"I'm frozen but I can come out of this. This is temporary."
This state is not permanent, try to remember this.
Ask to slow down
Freeze tends to happen when there is too much overwhelm, and things are moving too fast to process.
If you are able to find the words to say "please can we slow down here", it can help.
You need slowness to be able to thaw out.
Don't force it.
Trying to force or rush yourself out of freeze can make it worse. Go gently. One tiny movement at a time.
Yet at the same time don't let the freeze lock in. Make an intention to start bringing yourself out of it… you actually have a lot more choice than you might realise.
To Come Back to Center
Slowly, gently start moving your body.
Stretch. Roll your shoulders. Make sure there is movement in your body. Get up and walk or move around if you need to.
Take several deep breaths
And even allow sound if it wants to come. Sighing helps. Groaning helps. Any vocalization helps break the freeze.
Feel the ground under you.
Press your feet into the floor, press against the floor to push yourself up.
Press harder. Feel your muscles tense. Squeeze your fists and relax them several times.
Tap your body with your palms or fists. Wake everything up.
Open your mind.
See if you can find your thoughts. Notice if they are negative, collapsed or victim-y.
See if you can find a deeper thought, one that has a spark of self-worth in it, one that can remind you that you are an adult, and you have the capacity to find safety for yourself.
Give yourself time.
Coming out of freeze can't be rushed. Your nervous system needs time to thaw.
The Deeper Work
Freeze happens when both fight and flight feel impossible. It's a last-ditch survival response. Your nervous system has assessed the threat and determined that neither fighting nor fleeing will work, so it immobilizes you.
This is the state animals go into right before death. Playing dead. Becoming invisible. Hoping the predator will lose interest.
Every single one of these patterns you can come out of. They're not really you. They're just defense patterns that helped keep you safe once upon a time. And they're not needed anymore.
When you're in freeze, your cognition goes offline. You literally can't think straight. You can't problem-solve. This is why people in freeze often say later "I don't know why I didn't just leave" or "I don't know why I couldn't speak up." You couldn't. Your nervous system had taken you offline.
The path forward is learning to feel safe in your body again. Learning to unfreeze gradually. Learning that you have options even when your body tells you that you don't.
This pattern often needs professional support to work with safely, especially if you have a history of trauma.
Catching It Early:
The moment you see your pattern clearly (when you catch it happening in real-time) everything changes.
Awareness is the first step to truly changing a pattern.
Your Practice:
Over the next week, your job is simple: catch the beginning of the freeze.
Watch for:
- Your body starting to lock up
- Words getting stuck in your throat
- The feeling of being trapped
- Your thoughts spiralling inwards
- Numbness creeping in
- The thought "I can't move"
When you notice it:
- Name it, even to just yourself: "I'm starting to freeze."
- Move something tiny: Wiggle a finger. Blink. Anything.
- Breathe: Just one breath. Then another.
You don't have to be perfect. You just have to catch it. Even if you catch it after you've already frozen, that's still progress. That's awareness building.
The goal isn't to stop your pattern overnight. The goal is to see it more clearly each time.
Journal Prompts for The Freezer
Use these to deepen your awareness:
- "When I freeze, the feeling in my body is... (describe the sensation as specifically as you can)"
- "If I could move in that frozen moment, I would... (what would you do?)"
- "The freeze protects me from... (what is it keeping you safe from?)"
- "As a child, freezing kept me safe by... (how did this pattern protect you?)"
- "When I start to come out of freeze, I notice... (what helps you thaw?)"
- "The earliest sign that I'm about to freeze is... (what's your first body cue?)"
Remember
This pattern isn't who you are. It's a protective response your nervous system learned to keep you safe.
You developed it for a reason. It served you once. It probably kept you safe. It probably allowed you to survive.
And yet this pattern actually blocks you from the things you want (intimacy, safety, connection). Being held, being met, being seen.
Now you get to choose: Does this pattern still serve you? Or is it time to build something new?
The power is in the pause. And the pause starts with recognition.
You've got this.
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