What It Looks Like
You leave your body entirely. Memory gaps. Floating above yourself. Completely checked out.
You don't know what is happening and the only thing you can do is get the hell out of here… not physically, but by leaving your experience entirely.
This is often a last-ditch survival response when everything else has failed. When you can't fight, can't flee, can't even freeze in place, you leave. You dissociate completely.
Your system has determined that there's no way out, so it takes you offline. You're not in your body, not in the moment, not even fully conscious of what's happening.
Depending on the severity of this pattern, you might need extra therapeutic support to overcome it.
Just know that in order to have a meaningful, long-term and loving relationship… this pattern will need to be addressed and healed.
What The Dissociator Needs
In the Moment
This is the hardest pattern to work with in the moment because by definition, you're not fully present when it's happening.
If you have any awareness at all:
- Notice you're dissociating. Even just that recognition matters.
- Try to feel anything. Your breath. Your hands. One sensation. Any sensation.
- Don't force it. You can't force yourself back into your body. It happens slowly.
Often, you won't have awareness until after.
That's okay. The work happens in the coming back.
To Come Back to Center
Go slowly.
Coming out of dissociation can't be rushed. Your nervous system is in deep protection mode and needs time to feel safe again.
Ground yourself gently.
Feel one thing at a time. Your feet. The chair under you. Your hands. Small, gentle awareness.
Breathe.
Just breathe. You don't have to do anything else. Breathing is enough.
Breathe consciousness back into yourself. Every breath that you are aware of taking, matters so much more than you might realise at first.
Be patient with yourself.
You went somewhere far away to protect yourself. It takes time to come back.
If safe, let them know.
"I'm coming back. I need a minute."
You don't have to explain. Just let them know you're working on being present.
Being able to even say this is huge progress.
The Deeper Work
Pure dissociation is the most extreme survival response. It happens when your nervous system determines that fighting won't work, fleeing isn't possible, and fawning won't help. So it takes you offline entirely.
This is the state animals go into right before death. Playing dead. Disappearing from consciousness. Hoping the threat will pass.
For humans, this often happens with severe trauma… especially trauma where there was no escape. Abuse, violence, situations where you were utterly powerless. Your system learned that the only way to survive was to leave entirely.
Dissociation is your nervous system's emergency exit. When nothing else works, it pulls you out of your experience to protect you from unbearable pain.
Every single one of these patterns you can come out of. They're not really you. They're defense mechanisms that helped keep you safe once upon a time. And they're not needed anymore.
The path forward is re-establishing safety in your body. Learning that you can be present without being in danger. Learning that you have options now that you didn't have then.
This pattern often needs professional support to work with safely, especially if you have a history of significant trauma. A skilled trauma therapist who works with dissociation can help you learn to come back into your body gradually and safely. Ideally someone who also works with a somatic (body-based) approach like Hakomi, NARM or Somatic Experiencing modalities.
Catching It Early:
The moment you see your pattern clearly, when you catch it happening in real-time… everything changes.
Awareness is the first step to transformation.
Catching the pattern, seeing it and recognising it, is how you find your way out of it.
Your Practice:
Over the next week, your job is simple: catch the signs you're starting to dissociate.
Watch for:
- Feeling spacey or foggy
- Losing track of time
- Feeling disconnected from your surroundings
- Starting to "float" out of your body
- Numbness spreading
- Memory becoming fuzzy
When you notice it (or after you come back):
- Name it, even just to yourself: "I dissociated" or "I'm starting to dissociate."
- Ground: Touch something. Feel your feet. One sensation at a time.
- Breathe: Just breathe. That's enough.
You don't have to be perfect. You just have to catch it. Even if you only catch it after you've already dissociated and come back, that's still progress. That's awareness building.
The goal isn't to stop your pattern overnight. The goal is to see it more clearly each time and begin building the capacity to stay more present.
Journal Prompts for The Dissociator
Use these to deepen your awareness:
- "When I dissociate, the situation that triggered it was... (what felt unbearable?)"
- "The first sign that I'm starting to leave my body is... (what's your earliest warning sign?)"
- "If I could stay present during that moment, I'm afraid... (what is dissociation protecting you from?)"
- "As a child, dissociating kept me safe by... (how did this pattern protect you?)"
- "One thing that helps me feel safe in my body is... (what grounds you?)"
- "When I come back from dissociation, what I need most is... (what helps you return?)"
Remember
This pattern isn't who you are. It's a protective response your nervous system learned to keep you safe.
You developed it for a reason. It served you once. It probably kept you safe. It probably allowed you to survive.
And yet this pattern actually blocks you from the things you want—intimacy, safety, connection. Being held, being met, being seen.
Now you get to choose: Does this pattern still serve you? Or is it time to build something new?
The power is in the pause. And the pause starts with recognition.
Please consider working with a trauma-informed therapist if dissociation is a regular pattern for you. This level of nervous system dysregulation often needs professional support to heal safely and completely.
You've got this. And you don't have to do it alone.
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